… Dating After Loss

“Why in the world would you ever want to go on a dating app and meet a stranger?”

That is the question I asked myself after my grief counselor “assigned” me the task of setting up a dating profile on the ever popular dating app “Bumble”.

I actually answered myself and said, “How are you ever going to meet anyone if you don’t?”

Dating has certainly changed a lot since the last time I went on a date. March 31, 1989 to be exact. I went on a blind date and met the man who became my husband in May of 1991. 

Thirty-one years later, he died a week after our anniversary from two awful neurodegenerative diseases, Frontotemporal Degeneration (also known as FTD diagnosed December 2019) and bulbar onset Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (also known as ALS - confirmed March 2020). 

I knew he was going to die. Two horrific diseases. Neither one had a treatment or cure. The life I thought we’d share had effectively ended early in 2019 and the path to getting the diagnoses was crazy, insane, unbelievable and heartbreaking. BUT I found out what was really wrong with him and as horrible as that was, I knew it wasn’t because he didn’t care about us anymore because at certain points that is how things seemed.

I turned 55 just three days after he died. No matter what you think, 55 isn’t that old. And once I started coming out of the cloud of the first year of widowhood I knew that if I had another opportunity to share my life with someone, I wanted it.

That wasn’t desperation. It was just what I wanted and truly who I am. I want to share my life. The good and the bad. Jeff’s disease had taken him from me way before he physically died. Our relationship had changed very gradually over time and because of how busy we were (both of us with demanding jobs, raising the kids, and a busy social life) I hadn’t realized all the things that had changed until his behavior became stranger and stranger.

I looked at the life I had before me and realized I had the opportunity to learn from all I had been through with Jeff and have a very different and fulfilling partnership. I would be more aware of what were priorities and not take things for granted. 

That is how I got to this point in late June of 2022. 

So I created a Bumble profile. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t ask for any help and I certainly didn’t share it with anyone for a few weeks. I picked some pictures and wrote my intro. I was very open and honest because that is what I was looking for. Is that right or wrong? I can only say I did what was right for me. I filtered for specific results that were important to me. And I posted it - YIKES!

You should know that I had been listening to podcasts since 2021. Some about widowhood, some about people facing difficult life circumstances, one about online dating, one about dating after your spouse dies, and of course the “Remember Me” podcast which helped me work through so much of the FTD journey.

All of these things helped me understand what had changed in me because of what I had been through. I wasn’t a different person, but I was different. Losing your spouse changes you. It’s hard. It’s really, really lonely. And I wanted more for myself. 

Everyone is different. We all grieve differently. We all desire different things in life and we all have different time lines in how we navigate all of those things.

I wanted to meet someone, but I wasn’t desperate to meet someone. It had to be the right person for me. I considered just “dating” and meeting people. But I also know myself very well and I’ve never been the type of person who could date multiple people at the same time. And I didn’t want to meet someone until I was in the right headspace for a relationship.

I wanted to be intentional with whoever I made a connection with. I wasn’t sure exactly how to do that, but I knew I had to meet someone first and then I could take it from there. Honestly I was scared but having lost my husband the way I did, I thought there couldn’t be anything much scarier than that.

The crazy thing is that it didn’t take very long for me to meet someone very special. There were a couple of connections the first month that didn’t go anywhere. They proved beneficial in a couple of ways.

First, someone found me attractive. Second, I could talk with a complete stranger, find common ground and carry on a nice conversation. I went out on a couple of dates and realized things I liked and didn’t like about how these connections worked. I gained confidence knowing that maybe this could work for me.

I was very upfront and honest in how I handled these connections. I wasn’t going to waste more of my life “waiting” for things I wanted/deserved. That isn’t an attack on anyone, but just more of a realization that if someone isn’t giving you what you want or need, it’s okay to be honest and move on.

It was late August 2022 when I swiped right on Bob. 

We messaged back and forth a little bit in the app. I inadvertently invited him to a High School Football game before we had even talked on the phone. We met for coffee and ended up going to dinner during the first week of connecting. The next week, we continued to get together for dinner, dessert or just watch baseball. He kept coming to the High School Football games. (I work for the local High School in the Athletic Office and I film all the football games.) 

Our connection the first time we met in person was so genuine. We told our stories (short versions) of what brought us to the table where we sat and I remember thinking, this is a really great guy and if it doesn’t turn into something romantic, he would be a really good friend and someone I could do things with. 

As we spent more time together and shared the hard and difficult things, it was so clear to me that I had found someone who really listened to me. He wasn’t afraid to ask me questions about my marriage, about Jeff’s disease or about our relationship. He didn’t get weird when I talked about Jeff or any part of our life together.

He was comfortable at my house and he was great when given the opportunity (in month 2 mind you) to meet some of Jeff’s extended family. It was truly a blessing to have them all meet and get to know each other. After 30 years Jeff’s family has become my family and I could never give them up for someone who would feel weird to be around them.

My boys loved him from the start. The friends I introduced him to also shared how much they liked him. It was seriously so easy. And meeting his family went so well for me. Not to mention the fact that we ended up having friends in common that we still find out about.

Life certainly is not always easy. Relationships take work, especially the really good ones. But I’m so grateful for what I have found in Bob.

He supports me in more ways than I could ask for. He understands that Jeff will always be a part of my life. He loves my boys and their wives. I feel the same way about his son, daughter-in-law and grand-daughter.

Did I ever envision my life looking like this? Absolutely not. Do I consider myself fortunate and blessed that it does look like this? One hundred percent.

Most people aren’t lucky enough to get one great love of your life, but if you have the opportunity to get two, shouldn’t you embrace that? It’s something to consider.

Is meeting a stranger scary? Yes, it can be. But it can be wonderful and beautiful too. 

Will people judge you for what you are doing? Yes, they will. But understand that your happiness is what counts. Do what is good for you. Listen to the people around you who support you and want what is best for you. Not the ones that can’t see that.

One of my husband’s good friends said this to me a week or so after meeting Bob. “I loved Jeff and it’s so hard not seeing him with you. But Bob is a great guy and I’m so happy you have found each other and you have a chance to be happy again.” Hearing that meant so much to me.

Jeff died. I didn’t want him to. But I didn’t get a say. Sometimes I think Jeff might have had a hand in putting Bob in my path. Even my sister-in-law says that. And after different discussions, I can’t for sure know that Bob and Jeff didn’t meet and hang out at a mutual friend’s March Madness party a long time ago.

Life is full of moments….maybe that was one of them. 

After Jeff died, cardinals showed up everywhere. I would hear them outside my window when I woke up in the morning. They would be in the yard. On vacation - literally everywhere. Since Bob and I started dating, the cardinal visits less. And I think that is Jeff’s way of saying that he knows I’m okay because the right guy is here with me.

Blind Date or Bumble - two different ways to meet the potential love of your life, yet they both worked out very well for me.